One More Night

A handful of friends visited me and James in Abingdon last night to celebrate the new year, and it was a great time. I'm very excited to keep the celebration going tonight at Andrew Lee's with many wonderful people. But before I dive into the last night of 2010, I figured I'd reflect on the past year. My intention was actually to reflect on the past year and discuss how much things have changed with graduation and moving and all... but as you'll see, I ended up writing about something else instead. In looking back at 2010, the first conclusion that came to mind was as follows: from screaming libra parties to graduation parties, Bonzfests to EZXs, and finishing beer towers to beating the clock, I've sure partied a lot this year.

I've "raged" at college, concerts, bars, the beach, Atlantic City, Alan's wedding, Montreal, etc. I've made a drunken fool of myself on more occasions then I can remember, with mixed results (for example, I was rewarded with a free shot at Irelands for doing the "midnight train" around the bar, while I was warned to calm down at Webster Hall or I'd get kicked out for being too rowdy). And let's not forget my favorite part of 2010 - the epic spring break cruise to the Bahamas.

When you think about it, 2010 was just one giant party (but also, not really).

Timeless

Exactly one year ago today, I experienced a wonderful night of camaraderie and drunken mischief that I'll never forget.

Basically, I got together with a whole bunch of my friends on a snowy evening for a ham dinner, which involved stuffing our faces, drinking some wine, and ultimately having a huge sing-along to "Build Me Up Buttercup." A few of us then proceeded to get drunk in another suite, and I specifically recall somehow turning rock-paper-scizzors into a drinking game and gathering around a laptop to drunkely sing Disney songs. We danced a lot and partied hard. As the night went on and our party grew, our neighbors (who quickly became our new best friends after that evening) ran across the snowy quad to challenge us to a "sleep-over off," meaning that each of our respective parties would form a team to participate in various drinking games, in a contest to see which team could stay awake the longest without passing out. We played beer pong, flip cup, and civil war against the opposing team... but we lost at everything. So we then decided to poison the other team by slipping NyQuil into their whiskey.

Hands down, it was my favorite night of college.

Pobody's Nerfect

Let's talk about negativity for a moment, yeah?

When I used to think of the word "hate," a certain ex-roommate would come to mind. We quickly became friends in just one semester and, by the time the next semester rolled around, we became enemies even quicker. Everything became drama and I really couldn't stand getting personally attacked behind my back so frequently. About a year after the fallout, every attempt to extend the olive branch would immediately turn to shit. Over the last few weeks, however, I've been getting random text messages from this person out of the blue and, well... I guess it got me to thinking how we as humans tend to let our negative emotions get the best of us. I'm not saying I'm friends with this person again; I suppose what I'm saying is that I'm no longer enemies with this person. Some might believe I forgive too easily, but why hold on to an attitude that's so deeply rooted in pessimism?

I can also recall a certain "she who mustn't be named" who many of my friends have a strong distaste for, although, if anything, I'd now consider myself apathetic.

Maybe it's in my nature to rid the past of any negative connotations? As far as former cynicism in my life goes, I really just want a blank slate. A tabula rasa.

Looking For Shelter

I moved into my new house today, and decided to write a haiku to celebrate this joyous occasion:

Cinnamon Tree Drive

Who painted my bedroom pink?

Visit me, you cunts.

Share

Yesterday in its entirety was exactly what I needed. I spent all afternoon hanging out with Chelsea and Chris, had an enjoyable dinner with family, and ended the night with a bunch of friends at my new favorite bar, the Brickwall.

Seriously. I'm in a terrific mood and have not stopped smiling... and for that, I am incredibly thankful.

Just thought I'd share.

Welcome Wagon

Greetings from Maryland!

I'm currently living in the Vancherie suite at the Old Cheseapeake Hotel in Havre de Grace, which is a harbor town on the Cheseapeake that has a lot of antique shops and old people. Atleast there are several bars in walking distance, including an irish pub with a 2 for 1 Guinness special! There's also a nearby promenade which is right on the water and leads to a lighthouse. And the hotel is only 5 minutes away from the brand new Mitre building where I work (the commute will be longer when I move into my permanent home next month though), which is quite convenient.

I really like the job so far! The type of work I'm doing is definitely something that interests me, and I actually enjoy working in a corporate atmosphere (my previous position was a full-time job, but it lacked a certain level of professionalism). Perhaps best of all, the people at Mitre are extremely friendly and welcoming.

Take my officemate Susan, for example. Just last night, she invited my boss (who still works in New Jersey but was visiting for a few days) and I out for dinner to an italian restaurant. At first I was nervous to go to dinner with my new co-workers, but I quickly felt comfortable once the meal began (although maybe it was the wine?). By the end of our dinner, Susan made a comment along the lines of "we're like a family." In a way, it's true. After all, I'll be spending 40 hours a week with these people. It's been a difficult adjustment living in a new state, but with such welcoming co-workers and the tremendous support of friends and family back in New Jersey, I know I'll be just fine.

My boss plans to permanently move down here in a year or so. She made it clear during dinner that she's in no rush to move, however, because she doesn't want to leave everyone she knows in New Jersey behind. I sympathize completely. When I asked her what exactly her plans are when she moves and how she'll allocate her time between New Jersey and Maryland, she replied, "I don't know. I'm just in it for the adventure." Cheers to that.

Then I returned to the hotel and realized that I locked myself out. Oops.

Music Is Happiness

Today I was thinking about all the concerts I've been to in recent memory and so I decided to make a list for absolutely no reason.

2009:

4/5 - Girl Talk (Barton Hall, Ithaca, NY)

9/13 - Muse (Walter Kerr Theatre, New York, NY)

9/26 - Phoenix & Passion Pit (Central Park, New York, NY)

10/23 - Portugal. The Man & The Temper Trap (Bowery Ballroom, New York, NY)

11/13 - Mute Math & As Tall As Lions (Nokia Theatre, New York, NY)

2010:

1/18 - Owen Pallett (Bowery Ballroom, New York, NY)

1/20 - Freelance Whales & Still Life Still (Mercury Lounge, New York, NY)

2/9 - Yeasayer & Javelin (Music Hall of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY)

2/21 - The Phenominal Handclap Band (Brooklyn Bowl, Brooklyn, NY)

3/2 - The Ruby Suns & Toro y Moi (Brooklyn Bowl, Brooklyn, NY)

3/27 - Miike Snow & Delorean (Webster Hall, New York, NY)

4/9 - Cymbals Eat Guitars & Bear In Heaven (Music Hall of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY)

4/30 - Here We Go Magic (Maxwell's, Hoboken, NJ)

5/5 - As Tall As Lions (Irving Plaza, New York, NY)

5/8 - The Receiving End Of Sirens (The Palladium, Worcester, MA)

6/3 - Stars (First Unitarian Church, Philadelphia, PA)

6/5 - Delorean & Restless People (Glasslands Gallery, Brooklyn, NY)

6/19 - The Morning Benders & Freelance Whales (Governor's Island, New York, NY)

7/7 - Delorean (Stuyvesant Town, New York, NY)

7/8 - Minus The Bear (Webster Hall, New York, NY)

7/22 - Dinosaur Feathers & The Antlers (Hudson River Park's Pier 54, New York, NY)

8/8 - Memory Tapes & Restless People (Williamsburg Waterfront, Brooklyn, NY)

8/8 - The XX (Central Park, New York, NY)

8/18 - Crystal Castles (Electric Factory, Philadelphia, PA)

9/24 - Porcupine Tree (Radio City Music Hall, New York, NY)

10/1 - Born Ruffians (The Knitting Factory, Brooklyn, NY)

10/7 - Miike Snow (Terminal 5, New York, NY)

10/29 - Local Natives & The Ruby Suns (Webster Hall, New York, NY)

11/4 - Wolf Parade (Trocadero Theatre, Philadelphia, PA)

11/11 - The Morning Benders & Twin Sister (First Unitarian Church, Philadelphia, PA)

Considering the concert I'm going to in just a few days, I will have attended 30 concerts in the last two years! What's even crazier is that 29 of those concerts are within the last 14 months; although it's arguable that I was really at The XX concert (the venue was filled to capacity so I simply listened from afar while sitting on a big rock and discussing life issues with Corey) and the Born Ruffians concert (I was there physically but not at all mentally) so I guess it's really been more like 27 concerts in the last 14 months. Still pretty awesome.

Leaving Town

The next chapter of my life begins this monday; I'm moving to the great elsewhere.

I'll actually be living at a hotel in Maryland until I move into a permanent location closer to the end of the month, so it will essentially take me a little while before I am in fully moved in. Once I'm all settled, I expect some visitors!

I've been meeting up with friends, family, and former coworkers over the last two weeks to catch up over lunch or dinner, hang out during a party or a concert, or just reminisce and chill. My mom calls it meeting up to "say goodbye" and my dad calls it "getting closure" on this stage of my life. But I'd like to think that's not the case. I'd like to think that, although I'm entering the full-time workforce and ultimately moving two hours away, my friends and family will remain my constant. As I've said plenty of times before, this doesn't change the fact that you'll still see plenty of me.

I truly enjoyed traveling all over the state (I've actually put 2,000 miles on my new car in less than a month!) to spend time with all of you. I've had the priviledge of hearing or reading the kindest words from many of you over the last two weeks, and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart (that yearbook I received at Ramapo is honestly my most prized possession because of everything it represents). I promise you that not a day will go by that I won't be thinking of you, and not a day will go by that I won't be looking forward to the day we meet again.

Bring it on, Maryland.

Future Reflections

As of November 8th, I will be a Business & Financial Analyst for Mitre Corporation in Aberdeen, Maryland. I'm really excited about it! Apparently there's already buzz going around about my arrival, which I'm guessing is a good sign. I'll be moving down to Maryland a day or two before my first day of the new job.

All things go, all things go.

Deciding to work for Mitre instead of the government job wasn't an easy choice to make. I spent countless hours weighing the pros and cons of each position, made a handful of charts and budgets to get a grasp on what my financial situation might be with each job opportunity, and lost a lot of sleep because, well, life-altering decisions tend to be stressful. But I eventually came to the conclusion that the type of work I'd do on a daily basis, in addition to the people I'd work with and the culture of the organization, make Mitre a better fit for me than the government job. And they made me a really good offer, which leverages the fact that I'd be leaving a government position and all of its perks and benefits. I felt so relieved after making my decision! It's just crazy to think about how all of this is actually happening. Just a little while ago, I was complaining about my post-college life and how I didn't want to grow up; now I'm relocating for a job and I've got a new outlook on life.

All things grow, all things grow.

It's hard to explain exactly how I feel about the move. I suppose I'm somewhere between excited and nervous. I'm looking forward to the freedom of living on my own, but I'm worried about living in a new location. After all, I've lived in New Jersey for as long as I can remember and it's all I know. But I also know that I need to be optimistic about this next phase of my life.

All things know, all things know.

I still remember where I was when I started considering Maryland as a definite possibility. I was at a family friend's house with my parents, floating on a raft in the pool by myself. I was floating there for hours, and was deep in thought the entire time (that's when an epiphany hit me, which I referenced in another blog post titled "Real Life"). When nobody else was around, one family friend asked me (as if she read my mind) if I had any idea as to what I'd be doing with my post-college life. And hence, she became the first person I told about the realistic possibility of moving. She was shocked, and replied, "Maryland?!"

"...you'd have to start a whole new life there."

All things go, all things go.

Time Flies

It's crazy to think about how I got to where I am today.

Finding happiness. Working various jobs. Graduating college. Maturing, in some ways more than others. Considering the significance of people I've met and the people I've met through those people. Friendships created, and some lost. Being a collective effort of everyone I've ever known. Laughs shared. Memories made. Lessons learned.

I never would've predicted things would turn out this way.

And, for the record, I'm not complaning; this is really just my limitless gratitude.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes!

Stranger

If there's one thing I'm concerned about when it comes to my move to Maryland, it's staying in touch with all of my friends. I don't want to become a stranger. Granted I'll try to visit New Jersey as often as I can, but I want to stay in contact with people on days I'm in Maryland too. And quite frankly, mediums such as facebook, tumblr, and blogger don't count becuase they're not at all personal. Text messaging, skype, and AIM are atleast geared more towards one-on-one interactions, but I've never been good at texting, I rarely skype, and I'm barely on AIM ever. This is something that needs to change.

I've been trying to get on AIM more recently and, I must say, it's been nice. Granted AIM consists of mostly small talk or laughing about youtube links, but it's good to keep in touch with friends in any ways I can. And when people send me an IM, I imagine their voice saying what they type, so it's as if we are essentially hanging out via the internet. Okay, so maybe not... but it's still cool. I always tell people I'll go on AIM more, but I actually mean it this time!

Speaking of keeping in touch, Corey sent me the longest email the other day and I really, really enjoyed reading it. I received the email on my phone around midnight when I was just about to go to sleep. I read the whole thing while lying in bed and I had the biggest smile on my face the whole time. It was great to read her feedback on all the stories I wrote to her about, and to hear how things have been going in London so far. I also recently wrote a lengthy email to the three interns I used to work with at Fort Monmouth (they've since moved on, and one of them lives in Texas now), and I've enjoyed hearing back from all of them (although it makes me miss them a whole lot). And I received a birthday card in the mail from Casey today! She's always been know for giving people birthday cards with writing all over it, and this time was no exception. It's comforting to know that, even when there's distance between friends, certain traditions can carry on.

Real Life

I'm currently tasked with making one of the biggest decisions of my life: "should I stay, or should I go?"

In case I haven't personally filled you in with recent developments in my life, the afforementioned question is referring to which job I should pursue.

The first job I could take is a position as a Contract Specialist with the US Army CECOM Contracting Center. Essentially, it's the organization I've been employed with over the last two years as a Student Trainee (it's based out of Fort Monmouth, but President Bush mandated the base be closed by 2011 and, hence, it is moving to Aberdeen Proving Grounds in Maryland). After initially resigning from the position (because September 30th was to be my last day), I had an epiphany (more on that later) and un-resigned (apparently that's possible) upon receiving an offer to enter an accelerated program that would ensure steady promotions over the next two years. Essentially, I'd be a GS-11 in just two years, which is not a rank you typically achieve in such short time. I could then transfer to different government agencies while keeping my rank, which puts me on track with my potential long-term goal of working in the accounting or business department of a federal agency such as the GAO, FBI, or NASA. But of course, because Fort Monmouth is moving, I would have to move to Maryland for this position.

The second job I could take is a position as a Business and Financial Analyst with Mitre Corporation, which is a non-profit organization operating federally-funded research and development centers that work closely with the Department of Defense, the IRS, Homeland Security, etc. My position would involve working on budgets for Army-related projects (but I would not technically be a government employee). I first heard about the job through Emily Zupkus's friend James (thanks to countless drunken nights this summer, he's become my friend as well), who referred me since he's employed there. I got a call back rather quickly, and my phone interview went... okay. A week later, I was called back for an in-person interview at the Mitre office in New Jersey. I interviewed four individuals over a period of two hours, and honestly, I couldn't possibly imagine it going any better than it actually did. It went extremely well; they felt the same way, as made clear when they asked to initiate a background check only a few hours later. And just today, I received a formal offer from them. That job would require moving to Maryland as well.

So there's a 100% chance that I'll be moving to Maryland.

Before you ask why I'm pondering to "stay" or "go" if both jobs are clearly in Maryland (and hence, I'm clearly going), I should explain that I already took the government job as a Contract Specialist. I'm actually a Maryland employee right now... but working at Fort Monmouth on "travel" until November. So when I ask if I should "stay" or "go," the "stay" refers to sticking with the government and the "go" refers to leaving the government for Mitre.

I guess now is a good time to elaborate on that epiphany I referenced earlier. Around labor day weekend, it dawned on me that just because I majored in accounting does not mean my job has to be in accounting. Granted I enjoy accounting, but if other business-oriented positions come my way, I should consider them for what they're worth. That's when I first started considering Maryland realistically. It was disheartening to think that I'd be leaving everything I've ever known, but the concept of moving was actually somewhat exciting to me. I wanted change. I couldn't continue living this post-college life of never wanting to grow up. I knew that I needed to step out of my comfort zone and, for the first time in my life, I gained the courage to do just that.

Now that I'm Maryland-bound, the possibilities for growth are endless. Regardless which job I pursue, I can be paid in full to get a masters degree in business administration or accounting. Both jobs offer a great salary and benefits, as well as opportunities to travel. And since both jobs are government-related, I can still ultimately satisfy my long-term goals.

I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a big change. This is a massive change.

I actually received a variety of feedback from friends I previously told this news to. Some got upset and begged me to stay, and others thought I was making the right decision and offered their support, and some offered responses that were in-between (for example, Michelle Fried made me a list of pros and cons). In one instance, I was told to "shut the fuck up," and in another instance, I was slapped across the face, without hesitation. Regardless which response I received, I appreciated seeing how much my friends truly do care. But rest assured, there's no need to say goodbye. Maryland is only two hours away, and I intend to be in New Jersey every other weekend, atleast. There are many of you who I want to remain in my life, and as long as you reciprocate, then I promise we'll make that happen.

This is not the end. It's a new beginning.

All Around The World

I want to travel the world, and my dreams are evidence of this.

Last night, I dreamed I was in London; I was visiting Corey O'Connell and she showed me all of her favorite pubs. Two nights ago, I dreamed I was in Australia; I was hanging around Sydney and then rode in kangaroo pouches across the outback with Sally Chai. All outlandish scenarios aside, I think my subconscious is trying to tell me to make my dreams a reality.

Italy, Australia, London, France, Japan. Even California. There's quite a few places I really want to go on vacation to, and I'm sure I'll find various people to join me on such trips. But even if I have to go on some solo adventures, so be it. I just need to make this happen.

Bicycle

Bicycling used to be one of my favorite hobbies, but I haven't really gone bike riding since my earlier high school years. The main reason for that is because I've outgrown my old bike and, hence, really need a new one. But I've been lazy and never got around to getting one, which is a shame because I live so close to Colts Neck and I always loved riding my bike there. It's all open farmland and parks (and occasional mansions). It always made me feel like I was in another world where I could have some peace and tranquility.

While driving home from work today, I noticed how nice of a day it was and started wishing I could go for a bike ride. As soon as I got home, I went to my backyard and, much to my surprise, saw my dad's old bike laying on the side of the shed. It was very dirty and rusty, but I was desperate so I sprayed the bike with a hose and WD-40'ed the hell out of it. And then I was on my way!

It didn't take me long to realize how horribly out of shape I've been, but I kept at it and ended up going to my favorite spot - Dorbrook Park in Colts Neck. The park has a paved bike trail but I usually take the dirt trails that zip through the woods. The entrance to my favorite dirt trail is pretty secluded and eventually leads to a giant reservoir. I've always considered that area to be "my secret spot," where I could go to enjoy the scenery and clear my head as any angsty teenager would do. Riding my bike to this spot today was a real trip down memory lane.

After biking through Dorbrook Park for an hour or so, I continued down Route 537 to check out Laird's Distillery, the oldest Distillery in America. Some of you may know Laird's as the producer of Applejack, a type of apple brandy I once enjoyed drinking (until it got me sick) but now consider a last resort that I'll only take shots of when I'm already extremely drunk. There wasn't much to see there other than some old buildings and a factory. Across the street, however, there was a gigantic field of apple trees that was blocked off by a fence and a "no trespassing" sign.

So, naturally, I plotted to steal some apples (even though I don't even eat apples).

I left my bike on side of the road opposite the field, ran across the street, hopped the fence, ran towards the closest apple tree I could find, and grabbed a few apples. Then I turned around. There was someone behind me in the distance. Fuck.

Without any hesitation, I started to run away while holding a handful of apples. I looked behind me as I ran, and noticed that the guy working in the field didn't see me yet. The only thing between me and my clean getaway was the fence, which I easily cleared on my way in. I continued my mad dash back to my bike by hopping the fence.

But I didn't clear the fence.

Instead, in typical and clumsy Keith fashion, I ended up falling and breaking the entire fence. Oops.

I quickly picked myself up off of the collapsed fence as I heard someone shout, "hey you!" I darted across the street as fast as I could and jumped on my bike. It was at that point that I noticed my right leg was gushing blood. There was a trail of blood across the street, leading from the broken fence to my bike, and apples scattered everywhere. Unfortunately I didn't have a lot of time to stare at my leg and wonder what I'd do with it, so instead I biked away from the Distillery, leaving the dropped apples and the broken fence behind. When I got far enough from the scene of the incident, I took off my white t-shirt and wrapped it around my bleeding leg.

Even though my leg was in pain, the whole incident was really hysterical. It's good to know I can have little adventures by myself every once in a while.

Constants Are Changing

"Stability is a farcical figment of our imaginations; it really is laughable, the way we create and destroy ideas of certainty on whims stemming from the abstract, masked as the concrete. True certainty doesn't exist, no matter how much we want it to exist." - Corey O'Connell

We all strive for something to rely on. A constant, if you will. And we perpetially need reassurance that these constants in our life, whether it be friends, family, relationships, places, or jobs, truly are as stable as we imagine them to be. We need certainty.

My friend Corey raises a valid point in suggesting that absolute certainty doesn't exist. We can never get all of the evidence or assurance we're looking for.

Famous philosopher Descartes once said, "I think, therefore I am," meaning that our concept of what is real and certain manifests from our own internal thoughts (or perhaps he is simply suggesting that we know we exist because we think; but let's assume otherwise for conversation's sake). But if certainty/stability can mentally be destroyed as easily as it is created, it's obviously not stable. So how can you really be certain about anything without second guessing yourself? Speaking from my own experience, my overactive mind often jumps to conclusions that dismiss certainty. "I think, therefore I may or may not be" seems more appropriate.

With the opportunities life has been throwing at me lately, my constants might soon change. Hopefully not all of them, but some of them. It's disheartening to think about, but sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone. I'd say I'm certain of this, but I suppose you can never really be certain.

Although I agree with the idea that absolute certainty does not exist, you have to admit that the statement basically contradicts itself. How can you be absolutely certain that absolute certainty doesn't exist?

Summerdata

When I permanently moved back home from college, I tore the pages out of my stress journal that I had for a previous class and redesignated it as my summer journal. As the summer progressed, I wrote brief notes in my journal about how I spent each day. I didn't bother to write about my job search or concerns of living at home because the journal was no longer a stress journal; I instead focused on documenting all the memories I've shared with my friends and family over the last few months. Now that the summer is over, I can look back in my journal and instantly be reminded of how eventful my summer was and how truly thankful I am for every single person in my life.

So long, summer! It's been real.

Piano Man

Last night at Andrew Lee's, somebody started playing "Piano Man" by Billy Joel on the piano and we had a spontaneous sing-a-long. By the time we got to the chorus, basically everyone from the kitchen poured in the room to join in. And upon singing "they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone," everyone joined together and held up their drinks. It was so perfect. That moment will be branded in my memory forever.

Jim O'Brien pulled my aside after the sing-a-long to tell me about a piano bar in NYC, which is perfect because I really, really want to go. I know Chris and some other people were interested, so let's go one of these days!

In other news, I'm going to Canada tomorrow! Montreal, to be exact. So psyched.

I should brush up on my french. And my drinking.

Old World United

For the first time in a while, my entire family was home for dinner tonight. That's something that is hard to come by, considering my twin brother is almost never home, my dad typically gets home late from work, my mom goes out to dinner with work friends about once a week, and I'm usually not home about half the time. Believe it or not, my family has been a source of some negativity in my life recently (absense of my brother and stress from my parents), so a nice meal together was just what I needed to transform my vision of my family back the way it once was.

My parents had wine with dinner, Andrew had Yuengling, and I had Blue Point (even though I'm almost 23, it still feels weird when we all drink together... but I like it). Jeopardy was on TV as usual, but we didn't pay any attention to it (usually when Yolanda Vega comes on during a Jeopardy commerical break to announce the daily lottery winners, we all shout out what we think the numbers will be before they pop up, as my mom continuously attempts to impersonate Yolanda Vega's accent... but not even that happened tonight) - we were too busy talking about whatever was going on with our lives these days and finding opportunities to poke fun at my mom that resulted in everyone laughing. It reminded me of old times. It was refreshing.

Things aren't quite the same on the friends front. Not to say that things are bad... but there are some some individuals I haven't really spoken to and I would like that to change. Furthermore, there seems to be this sort of generally unspoken tension I'm sensing from various people in regards to differing perspectives on friendship trajectories.

This probably doesn't make any sense.

Turn Into Something

I went to the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania this weekend for Alan's wedding and it really was a great time. The actual wedding part was entertaining, as there were references to Apple and Star Wars during the wedding ceremony, and Brian, Mark, Mike, Shawn, and I clearly were the life of the wedding reception. The rest of the weekend was enjoyable too. The roadtrip there with Michelle and Andrew involved constant laughter and stealing a GPS and the game of Twister from a car in a Lowes parking lot (apparently everyone else had exciting trips as well, whether it involved traveling down creepy 3-mile dirt roads or getting attacked by random dogs). We also got drunk in the hotel every night and got to go to an amusement park and eat tons of food and ride the italian trapeze for free too (we were easily the youngest and most obnoxious people on that ride). Essentially, the weekend was a testament to the idea that it doesn't matter where you are or what's around you because all you need is a few good friends to have a memorable time (alcohol and free hotel rooms help too). Furthermore, someone needs to get married soon because weddings are a blast.

So yeah, Alan and Christine got married this weekend. Crazy! I'm really happy for them. I personally can't imagine getting married any time soon though, if at all. Don't get me wrong... I would like to have a family of my own some day. But at this point in time, the idea of marriage is truly horrifying. I can barely keep commitments to myself so I can't even imagine making a commitment of that magnitude.

Today was my first day at Fort Monmouth that I had to work without my friends (all of the other interns have moved on). Judging how work went today, the next 7 weeks are going to be pretty painful (I got an extension, so now my last day is September 30th). Meanwhile, I'm still struggling to find a new job in New Jersey, still stressed due to parents giving me a hard time about my priorities, and still juggling the idea of moving to Maryland to continue working with the government. I don't want to move to Maryland in all honesty, but considering pressure from my parents and the fact that nobody wants to hire me here, I'd feel lots of regret if I pass on this opportunity. Most days I am totally against moving, and other days I start to consider it realistically. After all, the government offers excellent benefits and would help me find a place to live. But the location isn't that great and the job might not be what I really want to do (then again, who really knows what they want to do?). And how could I ever manage to live so far away from all of my friends? I guess that's growing up?

Days Of Our Lives

A little over a week ago, I went to New York with Nicole, Emily, and Frankie to see a free concert at Pier 54. Despite arriving late, parking very far from the venue, and a dead generator that put the concert on a 30-minute hiatus, the evening was still a success. The walk through Hudson River Park on our way to the concert was awesome, and if you've never been there before then you definitely need to go. The stage was literally on the pier over the ocean. I'm pretty sure everyone at the show was there for the headlining act, The Antlers, making us the only ones who were solely there for the opening act, Dinosaur Feathers. This was made obvious when we were the only ones shouting the lyrics to "Family Waves" as the band performed the song at a lower volume due to a backup generator. There's no doubt in my mind that everyone on that pier heard us screaming the lyrics.

The next day, I went to Philadelphia to visit my friend Sam. Considering I haven't seen him in a while, it was a well-needed trip that ended up being an entire weekend adventure. It was a beautiful weekend for exploring the streets of Philly, eating cheesesteaks, chilling in the apartment, bar-hopping, listening to crazy Jazz music in the park, tailgating a Phillies game but then realizing we bought tickets for the wrong day, and just being generally fucked up 24/7. And the drunken 4-hour train ride back with Dan was equally as entertaining.

A few days later, I met up with Nicole and Tehila for some buffalo chicken pizza, which was followed by us bumming around in the parking lot for a while. It might sound boring, but we were laughing and having lots of fun. After that, I went to Jenks in Pt. Pleasant with Chris, Amanda, Justine, and Lauren. They had ridiculously good specials there, and we got to play beer pong and have drinks on the oceanfront deck too. And considering that most drunken nights end with McDonalds, this one was thankfully no exception.

This weekend, Alan, Brian, Mark, Shawn, Alan's best man, and I went to Atlantic City for Alan's bachelor party (if only Mike could've gone too!). We got all dressed up, got trashed in the hotel room, gambled in the casino, etc. Mark and I wandered the boardwalk for a while and had some really good discussions too. We went to Ocean City for pizza the next day and when we got back to my house, we all passed out and laid in the grass for a while. After everyone left, me and Brian went to the mall and then drove around aimlessly for a while. It really was a lot of fun.

So yeah, the last week and a half of my life has been pretty eventful and enjoyable. And for those of you who are missing from my life as of lately, that needs to change, yes?

As Serious As Your Life

Yesterday was not so much an ordinary day... not that I'm complaining or anything. It started off with me playing "pretend" at work, aka the interns and I were given face masks so we pretended we were surgeons in a hospital when we were clearly just doing standard office work. In the evening, I chilled with Chelsea and Corey at Pier Village; the unordinary part being that there was a random free concert and random bonfires on the beach. All in all, I had a really good time just hanging out.

When I got home, I decided to lay on the grass in my backyard and stare at the stars. I really enjoy stargazing, and it's something I hope to do more frequently because it's so therepeutic. For me, stargazing always begins the same way - as soon as I begin staring, I start to think about "the cosmos" and what it all means. It's so crazy to think about.

Despite my mind being flooded with all these thoughts that I can barely wrap my head around, stargazing always makes me feel calm. It's strange how thinking about something so serious and hard to make sense of could be so calming, isn't it? Especially considering that when I think about several factors in my life that I can't make sense of, the end result is typically the complete opposite of calm.

But I think stargazing is calming because I eventually get so overwhelmed with such deep thoughts that I let them all go all at once, freeing my mind from philosophy overload and providing me with much-needed mental relief. It would be nice if I could apply this practice to other factors in my life too.

Maybe the cosmos are trying to tell me something?

Standing On The Shore

I just brainstormed a few ideas for things I'd be down for doing this summer, and all of them involve the beach:

Let's go to Monmouth Beach (it's free) during the weekend and get really drunk in the afternoon.

Let's go to Roosevelt Beach in Deal (it's also free) because its got a stream running into the ocean that's fun to jump over.

Let's take a roadtrip to Ocean City (NJ) for pizza because they seriously have the best boardwalk pizza I've ever eaten.

Let's get really dressed up on a sunny day and go to Pier Village for a photoshoot, and afterwards we can go to my house and have a formal-esque party.

Let's go to any beach at night and just lay in the sand.

Summer In The City

I've made a list of concerts in the city that I want to go to. Who's coming with me?

July 17 - "Sirens Festival": featuring Matt & Kim and Ted Leo (free)

July 22 - Dinosaur Feathers (free)

August 1 - "The Pool Parties: Block Party" (free)

August 8 - Memory Tapes & Restless People / The XX (free)

August 12 - White Rabbits (free)

August 13 - Something Corporate ($$$)

August 18 - Crystal Castles (in Philly, $$$)

September 24 - Stars ($$$)

October 22 - Four Tet ($$$)

Just thinking about this list makes me happy. I'm so excited!

Company I Keep

I woke up this morning and everything felt right.

Which is funny because quite a few things in my life have been out of place.

But I'm not going to question the dissonance. What I do know is that I've been in a really good mood ever since my graduation party this weekend when I got to spend it with all the people I wanted to see, all in the same place at the same time. I am certain of that.

Smoke And Mirrors

"This new life stuck in this old life

Surreal.

I'm stuck somewhere between excited and uncomfortable

I'm not sure what my next end or my next beginning will be, I can only hope I have one." - Steph Young

My new life feels like being trapped in this awkward transition period between my college life and whatever comes next. There's been an association of happiness and excitement sometimes but there's also lots of discomfort from the uncertainty of the world to come. And of course, living at home mirrors my old life (the life before college that I really wish would just stay in the past) way too much - a life of wasted time in a bedroom of solitude, of physically dwelling so close to siblings yet often feeling far, of hometown friends with no depth and little interest in anything, and of a general sense of detachment that's hard to explain why it randomly overcomes me and even harder to shake off. But am I really in the position to complain about the shortcomings of my new life/pseudo-old life? I have everything. Not everything I want, but everything I need. I think.

Meh. This is Future Keith's problem, really.

All Day Day Light

Happy Summer Solstice, aka the first official day of summer! With spring behind me (past), the summer just officially beginning (present), and the rest of my life ahead of me (future), now seems like a good time to make a list of sorts, I suppose.

Past:

I miss living in the Village 10-D. I miss being able to walk out of my bedroom and into Shawn's to talk about complete nonsense or jokingly insult one another. I miss Alan yelling to me across the room to show me a youtube video he was amused by. I miss Brian purposely blasting awful music so it would get stuck in everyone's heads. I miss living in the same apartment complex as friends too. I miss hanging out and talking with Mark in his common room on a summery day with music blasting and the front door wide open. I miss lying on Mike's bed late at night with good company when all problems would be forgotten and all we knew was love. Hell, I even miss Chris Scaffa giving me an angry look every time I was in his suite. I miss our Screaming Libra parties and all our friends who would come visit us. I miss Chris coming over to chill even if it was just to watch me play Kingdom Hearts or watch Dexter or drink during a ridiculous movie like Donkey Punch. I miss Jen and EZ coming over to play drinking games in which one of us ends up spiking a vaccuum. I miss watching a random episode of Seinfeld or a random movie like Richie Rich with Chelsea. I miss taking pictures at parties with Michelle. I miss spreading lies about Casey stealing car hood ornaments. I miss talking with Tehila about being on the same wavelength. I miss getting excited for Applebees and diner trips with Kim. I miss dancing around the suite with Emily. I miss getting drunk on wednesday nights in the Fall and monday nights in the Spring. I miss constant sing-a-longs and freestyling inappropriate lyrics. I miss the simple things.

Present:

I am going to "beat the clock". I am going to the beach (I need beach friends... who wants to join?). I am going to more free concerts (The Morning Benders and Freelance Whales were awesome and I had an amazing time spending the day with good company at Governors Island, and would do a free concert again in a heartbeat). I am going to open up more to people. I am going to make the most of every weekend.

Future:

I want a long-term job. I want a keytar. I want a bike (so I can go on rides again throughout parks and farmland in Colts Neck and visit Delicious Orchards and Laird's Distillery). I want a new car (one that actually works). I want a new Apple computer. I want a working GPS. I want to start working out. I want to go on a vacation or another cruise. I want to eventually get my own apartment with friends. I want to stay young for as long as humanly possible.

I'm not sure what the point of this was.

The Captive Mind

I'm an outward-optimist and an inward-pessimist.

When people have a serious conversation with me and are looking for advice or insight, I generally try to respond with feedback with an optimistic spin to it. After all, I feel like it has always been in my personality to emit positivity to others. I try to cheer people up whenever I can, usually with my sense of humor. And although some may argue that being an optimist and a realist at the same time is impossible, I still stand firmly by my stance of trying to look to the bright side of things. Sure, a particular situation might really suck in reality, and finding optimism in that situation could seem literally impossible, but it still helps to act positively. Honestly, just being in that mindset can do wonders.

Which leads me to my next point: I'm a hypocrite.

You see, the positive vibes I send out to others are not the same vibes I send myself. I generally look at myself negatively; that's just how I work. For instance, I may not show it very well, but I don't have a lot of confidence in myself and I've got a poor self-image. I think a lot of it has to do with being a twin and constantly being compared to him. I've been getting better over the last few years, but my progress has been regressing as of lately.

There's been some negative thoughts in my head recently and I've generally been keeping them to myself. I really need to open up more. But that's not always easy because, like I said, I'm an outward-optimist. I always tell myself I shouldn't be sharing any negative energy with anyone, as if it's out of character. But that logic is actually pretty stupid because then I just bottle everything up. Furthermore, the opportunity to share negative thoughts rarely presents itself. I have a handful of friends who I know I could always talk to about pretty much anything, but I have a difficult time initiating such discussion. I find it is easier to initiate when the other person had just opened up to me about something, or if the other person directly asked me what's on my mind... but these things don't happen very frequently at all.

The real problem is that I think too much. And overanalyze. And second guess everything.

New Terrain

I realized today that it's been about a month since I graduated college, aka I'm already a month into the beginning of the rest of my life. With that said, I figured I'd write a blog entry, since I needed a break from watching TV anyway; I just finished Modern Family today (it's extremely funny so do yourself a favor and watch it if you haven't) and I've resumed watching Dexter after that (I'm still on season one).

My summer has actually been pretty good so far; it's been a nice balance of work and play. I've been spending my weekdays working at Fort Monmouth, which hasn't been easy to get into the swing of yet, but at least I like the people I spend my days with and the pay is pretty good. Working 40 hours per week sucks in the sense that I can't stay up late anymore though. I really fucking hate it. Since my 'intern' status will expire on August 13th, that will officially be my last day of employment... unless of course, I decide to move to Maryland. Some days I'm sure I would never do such a thing, but other days I convince myself that it could become a reality, primarily because I need a job. That's quite a thought. I've been applying to local accounting jobs on a fairly regular basis but I haven't been hearing back from anyone. I'm trying not to be discouraged and generally failing at it. But aren't we all?

I've tried to have plenty of fun this month as well. I spent a whole day at Six Flags even though I'm still technically banned, I played hookie from work and day-drank instead, I went to a Stars concert in Philly and a Delorean concert in Brooklyn, and I went on an adventure to New Paltz to hike "The Labyrinth." I've hit up bars in Long Branch, Red Bank, and Point Pleasant too. So I've been keeping busy, and it's been really good.

While keeping busy and going on adventures has been fantastic, as has seeing my friends a decent amount, I still don't see them as often as I did while in college. Just a day after spending time with them can go by before I begin to desperately miss them again. And it's not just the people I miss; it's the actual hanging out I miss, too. You know, the plain and simple kind. I've only had a few opportunities to do so over the summer thus far. At college, everyone would try to hang out every single night. And sometimes... eh, most times... we'd drink for no reason at all. And it was awesome. It got to the point where we really didn't even need to make specific plans with one another because hanging out daily was basically assumed. It's been hard adjusting to the harsh reality that this is no longer the case. We can't just walk down the steps or across campus to see each other anymore. Granted some of us live closer than others and could make this work, which I'm very thankful for, but it's not every day and it's still different. The odds of getting everyone together again is far less likely with all this distance between us. But I guess that will make reunions far more special. I just can't help but think how much easier this transition would be if I were closer with my hometown friends, but that's not the case. I truly do miss hanging out every day and that sense of belonging one gets from such frequent exposure.

I've placed as many frames and decorated as many walls in my room as I can with pictures of my friends because it reminds me of that sense of belonging. It also makes me miss everyone an awful lot. Let's remedy this?

Real Love

My days and nights at college have been the happiest times of my life. I lived on a beautiful campus and had the priviledge of living among such wonderful people. I met my closest friends during college, whether they were friends I've had since the very first day or friends I've met in later years that I can't imagine my life without. I really did cherish every single moment I spent with them. I've been blessed with the best fucking friends in the universe and I love them with all my heart.

I'm not the same person I was in high school. College has changed my life. You've all impacted me in so many countless ways and everything I am is thanks to all of you. There really aren't words to express my love and gratitude.

Although I have extreme difficulty in admitting to myself that my college days are over, I am happy to know that the memories I've made over those years will be cherished forever. Because I will carry these memories with me, you will all be a part of me. Always.

Live To Tell The Tale

Mark and I did our last radio show on Monday night (our show "Ladleful O'Gravy" has been on the air for two years now). The playlist consisted of songs that were special to us throughout our four years of college:

"The Freshman" by The Verve Pipe

"Bring It" by Cobra Starship

"Slide" by Goo Goo Dolls

"Leaving Town" by Dexter Freebish

"If It Were Up To Me" by Rooney

"Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind

"Sweetest Girl" by Wyclef Jean

"We Only Come Out At Night" by Smashing Pumpkins

"Plays Pretty For Baby" by Zolof The Rock & Roll Destroyer

"Believe" by The Bravery

"Umbrella" by Rihanna

"All The Things She Said" by T.A.T.U.

"Make Your Own Kind Of Music" by The Mamas & The Papas

"Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz

"You Never Give Me Your Money" by The Beatles

"Section 12: Hold Me Now" by The Polyphonic Spree

"Sleepyhead" by Passion Pit

"Forever" by Chris Brown

"Ambling Alp" by Yeasayer

"Wake Up" by Arcade Fire

"T-Shirts" by Still Life Still

"In Our Bedroom After The War" by Stars

I really enjoyed our last radio show. It was a musical journey through our college career that made me feel so happy and so sad at the same time. It was bittersweet. We got to share the stories behind each song with our listeners as well.

On our walk back from the radio show, a group of people in black shirts who were doing a scavenger hunt spotted by "I heart RCNJ" shirt that I was wearing and shouted, "YOU!" They ran up to me and asked if they could have my shirt, and I told them they couldn't, so instead I temporarily traded shirts with some random kid and we took a picture. They told me not to give my t-shirt away or take pictures with any other scavenger hunt groups, so I agreed. Before I could make it back to my room, I got stopped twice by other groups. One group of sorority girls literally chased me down and promised to "kiss and make out" with me if I let them take a picture (but that didn't actually happen... bummer). Another group somehow convinced me to let them borrow my shirt for the night and they promised they'd return it (but they haven't as of yet), so I ended up walking back to my room shirtless. Part of me is really going to miss living on a college campus when random and crazy shit like that could happen at any time.

I've been in such a nostalgic state lately, and I think I've developed this habit of looking to the past because the future is full of so much uncertainty on so many levels.

What I am certain about, however, is that if I could go back and time and pick any college in the world to attend, it would still be Ramapo College.

Translating The Name

I looked up the meaning of the name "Keith" today.

Apparently it's of scottish and gaelic origin, and its literal meaning is "forest." Other sources claim that my name means "wood dweller" or "forest protector," suggesting that I enjoy being surrounded by trees, constantly ponder the natural world, and have an inherent urge to defend both nature and other things that come natural to me. To reiterate, one site stated that individuals named Keith have "great respect for nature and will always defend their family traditions."

I also recently found out about a book called "What Your Birthday Reveals About You" from my friend Corey, and she was kind enough to share with me what the book had to say about my date of birth (thanks Corey!).

"October 9: Many well-known actors, writers, and musicians celebrate their birthdays on this date. With your artistic temperament and magnetic personality, you could find your niche in the arts and entertainment. Your exceptional sensitivity to atmosphere, color, texture, sound, and music helps you relate the world around you in a creative manner. At the same time, your inherent compassion and spirituality impel you to fight for worthy causes. As a true diplomat, you are adept at rallying people and bringing them together. Whether furthering your own work or helping to save the world, you know exactly how to put your literary talents and promotional abilities to the best possible use.

A natural born detective with a quick and penetrating mind, you are a stealthy observer of the human condition. Although your feelings of responsibility for others can cause you to proselytize for your principles and beliefs, you often refuse to go along with society's ideas of right and wrong. Nevertheless, you have a subtle way of inspiring people to do their best.

If your intense idealism is disappointed, you may retreat into a deep funk. However, your depressions don't last long, because you're a highly social person. All anyone needs to do to cheer you up is invite you to a party. Partnership is important to you. In a truly intimate relationship, you make an exceptionally giving mate or lover. As one of the last of the true romantics, you're generally inclined to put your partner's needs ahead of your own."

Interesting. Some of the points that were mentioned in terms of the meaning of my name and my birthday seem particularly true for me.

Younger Yesterday

Well, college is almost over.

It hasn't hit me entirely yet, but I guess in subtle ways it has. Over the last few weeks, I've been seeing the history of people when I run into them. My mind basically travels through a series of memories, from the first time I met someone all the way to where we stand now, and where we can go from here. I realize that with some people, there is no future, because it's impossible to stay in contact with everyone you've met during college as life progresses. But there is a good deal of people that I want in my post-college life. After all, I've met all of my closest friends at college and I don't know what I would do if I lost them. I truly am thankful for all of my friends (old and new, ramapo and non-ramapo) and they genuinely mean the world to me.

When I see the history of a select few people, I can't help but feel upset with how our friendship progressed. I feel some of my friendships have so much more potential and, for whatever reason, they are not where they could be. No one is to blame, because friendship is a two-party effort. Time is running out, so I hope to work on that while I still can.

It's been less than a week since I got back from Spring Break, which consisted of a roadtrip to Florida and a cruise to the Bahamas with Chris, Mark, and Shawn. We had a lot of sun, a lot of booze, and a lot of laughs. I loved driving down with great friends, walking on a private island, dancing on the boat, talking to strangers, staring at the stars while talking philosophy, eating tons and tons of food, and being completely immature before bed instead of going to sleep. My memories of that vacation are so vivid and I often daydream about being onboard the Monarch of the Seas again.

Reality check: I'm not.

Don't get me wrong; I love Ramapo. I consider it my home, and I'm not going to want to leave when my college career wraps up in 7 or 8 weeks. But with the final stretch of college comes the anxiety of job searching and the uncertainty of where my life is going. Do I live at home or get my own place? If I get my own place, who would I live with? Do I live in New Jersey where I have family and friends or move down south on a whim? If I don't get a job, do I accept my offer from Fort Monmouth (even though it's a position that's completely unrelated to my major and minor) and move to Maryland where the position is being transferred? My chest feels heavy every time I think about this. I much prefer being on a cruise ship, where I was miles away from the rest of the world and completely stress-free. I guess something about looking out and seeing just water was incredibly calming to me. I realize it's important not to let myself get bogged down from this post-college stress, especially considering college is not over yet, but I can't help but ask myself one important question...

What happens next?

Vessels

Have you ever had a sort of out-of-body experience in which you suddenly stop seeing life through the eyes of your vessel? This happens to me occasionally, and it still blows my mind every single time.

Basically, I have a sudden realization that I am… well, me. The “me” being my body and my traditional mindset, and the “I” being perhaps my soul or my lifeforce. With this realization, I feel as if my mind escapes the vessel that is both my body and my daily mindset of worrying about mundane and trivial issues, and it starts to ask questions.

Why am I here? Why am I me? Why now? Is this even real?

What a mind fuck it was the first time this hit me; the first time my conscience grasped this concept of truly thinking about my being, beyond the scope of my everyday practice of not really considering why I’m seeing what I see and why I’m living through this body. I’m the sole being living my life and all I’ll ever know or experience is based on what I see and hear and feel from my vessel, and my conscience is aware of this.

Is every person around me experiencing this same phenomenon?

They say the world doesn’t revolve around you, but is that really true? Look in the mirror. It’s fucking you. Life, as far as you know, is what’s in your vantage point. All that you can ever confirm as real is what you know based on personal experiences. You can verify your conscience is real, but how do you verify that other people have a conscience? How do you ever really know? And when you die and your vessel is put to rest… then what? Ah, Life! I have so many questions for you.

Hmm, this is a really hard thing to communicate in written words, so I apologize if this doesn’t really make sense to anyone except me.

Let's have a serious conversation about life one day, yes?

Pursuit Of Happiness

I've been in a weird mood for the last few hours, and it's not even negativity-related. It's actually the opposite.

Today, I just hung around my suite as friends stopped by as the day progressed. Lots of socializing and lounging around and video games and keyboard playing. It was simple, and I really enjoyed it. And by the end of it all, with everyone gone, it got me... well, reminiscing.

And with that, I was hit, seemingly all at once, by a flood of memories of the wonderful times I've had throughout my college experience. It left me paralyzed, but it made me smile as the nostalgia kept on pouring in.

A coma of happiness.

When I come back to life, I want to spread the happiness and make even more memories with all of those I love.

We Do This To Ourselves

There are so many things I could write about in my stress journal.

I feel like a handful of my friends have not felt like themselves lately, and I can say that I've been in the same boat. Problems with relationships (or the lack thereof), spreading of rumors (or maybe even worse, the truth), etc.

But really... is any of that really as important as we make it to be? Or do we just tell ourselves that?