Twin Of Myself

This blog post has literally been two years in the making.

Upon starting this blog about two years ago, I wanted to write about an issue that has always been in the back of my mind. But after initially typing it all up, I felt that releasing this entry to the blogosphere would be too revealing of insecurities that are nobody's business but my own. Hence, this blog post remained hidden away as a draft ever since, although it has been occasionally modified over time. Considering that this subject matter was somewhat accidently unearthed a few nights ago, I might as well comment on it now.

If there's one major shortcoming that can be attributed with being a twin, it's the inevitable truth that you'll always being compared to one another. After all, you were born on the same day. You look fairly similar. You share many of the same interests and experiences. You've spent your entire lives together thus far. So naturally, comparisons between twins are bound to happen. And they don't always end well.

Since my twin brother and I grew up having the same groups of friends, it only intensified the likelihood and frequency of the two of us being directly compared. For instance, one of my hometown friends once thought it'd be appropriate to propose the "who's the better twin?" question as a legitimate dinner discussion at the diner. At first I interpreted it as a playful joke, but as the conversation dragged on, I began to think otherwise. They eventually concluded that my brother was the "cooler" one. I can't say I was surprised though; I got these vibes in middle school and high school that I was the less popular one (and I've never really denied it), which resulted in a lingering fear of inferiority. What's unfortunate about the types of situations is that someone always gets hurt, even if it's by family or friends. Whereas one party is praised, the other party can receive a major blow to their self-esteem (and it's important to note that it works both ways). In retrospect, I'm sure the conversation was intended as a joke, but there's still truthful undertones to what was said that still resonates with me.

For a brief period of time, there was the possibility of my twin brother and I going away to the same college, and that honestly worried me. Don't get me wrong - I love my brother to death, but I knew that I needed to get away and go to my own college. I needed to make my own friends and be my own person. I needed individuality and confidence in myself. And I think, to an extent, I accomplished that.

I recently read an article about sibling rivalry (we luckily never fought much while growing up) and how the frequency of comparative and competitive situations are greatly heightened between twins. The article went on to suggest that low self-esteem, depression, and jealousy are likely in twins when one sibling feels out-performed by their other sibling in some way. Studies have proven that a twin who is out-performed is likely to abandon an activity completely to avoid direct competition, even if they show some potential themselves.

Reading this instantly reminded me of when my twin brother and I were both interested in art and would draw cartoons all the time. My brother has always been very talented, and he knew early on that it was his passion. As for myself, I eventually abandoned art in high school because I felt overshadowed by my brother's potential (and I felt it was more of a hobby than a career choice for me). I took a desktop publishing class in attempt to transition my interest from traditional art and cartooning to graphics arts and digital publishing. Although I did very well in the class, enjoyed the work that was involved, and went on to take a desktop publishing independent study, I still felt that it did not differentiate me enough from my brother's interests. As a result, I decided instead to pursue business as my father and grandfather did. I like to think of myself as a creative individual, and so I still wonder to this day how different my life would've been if I didn't give up on that particular interest which might've better tapped into my creative side. But it is what it is, I guess.

Despite the personal identity struggles involved, however, being a twin is one of the greatest gifts imaginable. To have a best friend who you can share so many memories with and relate to on so many levels is truly wonderful, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.