Smoke And Mirrors

"This new life stuck in this old life

Surreal.

I'm stuck somewhere between excited and uncomfortable

I'm not sure what my next end or my next beginning will be, I can only hope I have one." - Steph Young

My new life feels like being trapped in this awkward transition period between my college life and whatever comes next. There's been an association of happiness and excitement sometimes but there's also lots of discomfort from the uncertainty of the world to come. And of course, living at home mirrors my old life (the life before college that I really wish would just stay in the past) way too much - a life of wasted time in a bedroom of solitude, of physically dwelling so close to siblings yet often feeling far, of hometown friends with no depth and little interest in anything, and of a general sense of detachment that's hard to explain why it randomly overcomes me and even harder to shake off. But am I really in the position to complain about the shortcomings of my new life/pseudo-old life? I have everything. Not everything I want, but everything I need. I think.

Meh. This is Future Keith's problem, really.

All Day Day Light

Happy Summer Solstice, aka the first official day of summer! With spring behind me (past), the summer just officially beginning (present), and the rest of my life ahead of me (future), now seems like a good time to make a list of sorts, I suppose.

Past:

I miss living in the Village 10-D. I miss being able to walk out of my bedroom and into Shawn's to talk about complete nonsense or jokingly insult one another. I miss Alan yelling to me across the room to show me a youtube video he was amused by. I miss Brian purposely blasting awful music so it would get stuck in everyone's heads. I miss living in the same apartment complex as friends too. I miss hanging out and talking with Mark in his common room on a summery day with music blasting and the front door wide open. I miss lying on Mike's bed late at night with good company when all problems would be forgotten and all we knew was love. Hell, I even miss Chris Scaffa giving me an angry look every time I was in his suite. I miss our Screaming Libra parties and all our friends who would come visit us. I miss Chris coming over to chill even if it was just to watch me play Kingdom Hearts or watch Dexter or drink during a ridiculous movie like Donkey Punch. I miss Jen and EZ coming over to play drinking games in which one of us ends up spiking a vaccuum. I miss watching a random episode of Seinfeld or a random movie like Richie Rich with Chelsea. I miss taking pictures at parties with Michelle. I miss spreading lies about Casey stealing car hood ornaments. I miss talking with Tehila about being on the same wavelength. I miss getting excited for Applebees and diner trips with Kim. I miss dancing around the suite with Emily. I miss getting drunk on wednesday nights in the Fall and monday nights in the Spring. I miss constant sing-a-longs and freestyling inappropriate lyrics. I miss the simple things.

Present:

I am going to "beat the clock". I am going to the beach (I need beach friends... who wants to join?). I am going to more free concerts (The Morning Benders and Freelance Whales were awesome and I had an amazing time spending the day with good company at Governors Island, and would do a free concert again in a heartbeat). I am going to open up more to people. I am going to make the most of every weekend.

Future:

I want a long-term job. I want a keytar. I want a bike (so I can go on rides again throughout parks and farmland in Colts Neck and visit Delicious Orchards and Laird's Distillery). I want a new car (one that actually works). I want a new Apple computer. I want a working GPS. I want to start working out. I want to go on a vacation or another cruise. I want to eventually get my own apartment with friends. I want to stay young for as long as humanly possible.

I'm not sure what the point of this was.

The Captive Mind

I'm an outward-optimist and an inward-pessimist.

When people have a serious conversation with me and are looking for advice or insight, I generally try to respond with feedback with an optimistic spin to it. After all, I feel like it has always been in my personality to emit positivity to others. I try to cheer people up whenever I can, usually with my sense of humor. And although some may argue that being an optimist and a realist at the same time is impossible, I still stand firmly by my stance of trying to look to the bright side of things. Sure, a particular situation might really suck in reality, and finding optimism in that situation could seem literally impossible, but it still helps to act positively. Honestly, just being in that mindset can do wonders.

Which leads me to my next point: I'm a hypocrite.

You see, the positive vibes I send out to others are not the same vibes I send myself. I generally look at myself negatively; that's just how I work. For instance, I may not show it very well, but I don't have a lot of confidence in myself and I've got a poor self-image. I think a lot of it has to do with being a twin and constantly being compared to him. I've been getting better over the last few years, but my progress has been regressing as of lately.

There's been some negative thoughts in my head recently and I've generally been keeping them to myself. I really need to open up more. But that's not always easy because, like I said, I'm an outward-optimist. I always tell myself I shouldn't be sharing any negative energy with anyone, as if it's out of character. But that logic is actually pretty stupid because then I just bottle everything up. Furthermore, the opportunity to share negative thoughts rarely presents itself. I have a handful of friends who I know I could always talk to about pretty much anything, but I have a difficult time initiating such discussion. I find it is easier to initiate when the other person had just opened up to me about something, or if the other person directly asked me what's on my mind... but these things don't happen very frequently at all.

The real problem is that I think too much. And overanalyze. And second guess everything.

New Terrain

I realized today that it's been about a month since I graduated college, aka I'm already a month into the beginning of the rest of my life. With that said, I figured I'd write a blog entry, since I needed a break from watching TV anyway; I just finished Modern Family today (it's extremely funny so do yourself a favor and watch it if you haven't) and I've resumed watching Dexter after that (I'm still on season one).

My summer has actually been pretty good so far; it's been a nice balance of work and play. I've been spending my weekdays working at Fort Monmouth, which hasn't been easy to get into the swing of yet, but at least I like the people I spend my days with and the pay is pretty good. Working 40 hours per week sucks in the sense that I can't stay up late anymore though. I really fucking hate it. Since my 'intern' status will expire on August 13th, that will officially be my last day of employment... unless of course, I decide to move to Maryland. Some days I'm sure I would never do such a thing, but other days I convince myself that it could become a reality, primarily because I need a job. That's quite a thought. I've been applying to local accounting jobs on a fairly regular basis but I haven't been hearing back from anyone. I'm trying not to be discouraged and generally failing at it. But aren't we all?

I've tried to have plenty of fun this month as well. I spent a whole day at Six Flags even though I'm still technically banned, I played hookie from work and day-drank instead, I went to a Stars concert in Philly and a Delorean concert in Brooklyn, and I went on an adventure to New Paltz to hike "The Labyrinth." I've hit up bars in Long Branch, Red Bank, and Point Pleasant too. So I've been keeping busy, and it's been really good.

While keeping busy and going on adventures has been fantastic, as has seeing my friends a decent amount, I still don't see them as often as I did while in college. Just a day after spending time with them can go by before I begin to desperately miss them again. And it's not just the people I miss; it's the actual hanging out I miss, too. You know, the plain and simple kind. I've only had a few opportunities to do so over the summer thus far. At college, everyone would try to hang out every single night. And sometimes... eh, most times... we'd drink for no reason at all. And it was awesome. It got to the point where we really didn't even need to make specific plans with one another because hanging out daily was basically assumed. It's been hard adjusting to the harsh reality that this is no longer the case. We can't just walk down the steps or across campus to see each other anymore. Granted some of us live closer than others and could make this work, which I'm very thankful for, but it's not every day and it's still different. The odds of getting everyone together again is far less likely with all this distance between us. But I guess that will make reunions far more special. I just can't help but think how much easier this transition would be if I were closer with my hometown friends, but that's not the case. I truly do miss hanging out every day and that sense of belonging one gets from such frequent exposure.

I've placed as many frames and decorated as many walls in my room as I can with pictures of my friends because it reminds me of that sense of belonging. It also makes me miss everyone an awful lot. Let's remedy this?